Losing Patience (in which I scare/amuse you all with the thoughts that have consumed me in my absence…)
My patience escaped me recently. All that I had made safe and comfortable in my life – all that I knew about the way that the adult me operates and interacts with people has become a distant memory. Furthermore, far from being able to explain this situation away with facts and figures and talk of hormones and stress management, I knew when it hit me, that this was something far deeper.
Within myself there has been a change. Triggered by a chance meeting with someone who reminded me of myself and without warning held a shiny mirror up to myself to reveal me standing quite vulnerable in my honesty before them; furthered by a sequence of events evoking within me some of the most joyful and profound feelings – discovery of music and beauty in my surrounding on a somewhat remeniscent level, revisiting feelings long forgotten of rapturous excitement at the possibility for life and love and connection with the world; has in retrospect left me with the most exquisite ecstatic moments of clarity and purpose interspersed with feelings of hopelessness and impatience.
Only now, at what I perceive to be the other side of this messy and deeply challenging phase of growth, do I realise that through the [worthy] distraction of raising my children, have I neglected and become less aware of those things that I stood so readily for before. The views that defined me were quite literally left to gather dust whilst I operated on a much more insistent and immediately important level, raising my babies. Now, I am awake once more and I feel within me a child-like warrior spirit of my own to make an impact on the world.
My patience was lost somewhere in the stripping away of those things that have been part of me by conditioning to reveal those parts of me which are intrinsically me. This has not been a comfortable process. Those parts of me that are both beautiful and less so. The parts for which I have felt shame and the parts of which I have been proud.
My inate “over” sexuality and inflamed want for pleasure – hearkening to the Tantric/Hindu belief on the energy of Kundalini, such a precious power, an overwhelmingly forceful power that has the ability to destroy/create in so many areas of our lives, not solely in the sexual arena. I now acknowledge and accept this incredible energy within me.
My warrior spirit which has been mine since birth, which I have been encouraged to dilute to become palatable to polite society. My selfishness and want for space and solitude at times. These traits are not my most attractive. They are however “me” and I have been forced to not only look at them but to embrace them and to use them wisely in order to be clear in the choices which I will make in my life from here on in.
Those things in life which I find unacceptable can no longer be ignored.
Hatred and misunderstanding have no place in this world. Generations of children after my own will not live in peace and will not have sufficient scope for happiness if my own generation do not wake up to the fact that fighting each other hasn’t worked before and will not work in the future.
If we fight hatred instead of each other, we will progress.
My generation has become one of shirking, consuming and apathy.
It cannot be this way.
Our children deserve to swim in an ocean full of life; to breathe air that heals not harms; to feel the love of another regardless of creed or colour.
These are my battles. They have always been so. I am glad to have come back to them with clarity and impatience.
These words moved me. Thank you.